It’s episode 3 of TNA British Boot Camp!
Tonight we begin with our merry quartet doing some promotional filming for the series (ie the one we’re watching now. It’s all very meta). The guys have been doing ‘hero footage’, and the girls have been moving their heads towards the camera simultaneously – it’s a twin thing, obviously.
Spud informs us, “24 hours a day – sexy. It’s not a problem for me. It’s probably a bit of a problem for the girls.” Holly laughs and rolls her eyes. They seem to have decided to treat him as a pesky little brother, which is perhaps the best attitude.
Well, a little brother with an alcohol problem. They’re about to jet off to the States, so Spud needs his breakfast before boarding.
Jaegermeister, obviously. It’s a shame TNA doesn’t have a Straight-Edge Saviour. Spud really seems to need one.
First stop for the Brits is Phoenix, Arizona, where they’ll be sitting front-row at Bound for Glory. Before that, though, there’s still time for one more Spud tantrum, this time because his bag has broken.
Maybe you should have another drink, Spud? That’ll probably solve everything.
They’re off to the Fan Fest before the PPV, where they’ll get to meet TNA Superstars. They’ve already met a frighteningly skinny Christy Hemme – Marty kissed her, which unsurprisingly triggered the first pair of amazing wtf faces of this episode:
Spud tries to cover up everyone’s cringing by informing Christy, “He has a picture of you on his wall. It’s kind of awkward,” accompanied by a very distinctive hand-shaking gesture. The women respond magnificently. Christy says, “I’m…just going to go back outside,” and the Blossoms beam and say, “Yes! OK, it was nice to meet you!” just like nothing weird ever happened.
When they get to Fan Fest, the four contestants will also serve as a special attraction themselves. They’re a bit excited.
Spud is characteristically honest: “The fans aren’t going to like me.” It’s true, and that’s what transpires, so in true heel style he refuses to accept it and instead berates randoms for wanting to have their photo taken with the girls.
I’m not entirely sure what Marty’s reacting to here, to be honest. Maybe Dixie saw the cut of the interview where he calls her a “fit bird” and she’s coming after him with a pair of shears.
Spud whines that it is “disrespectful” to walk past him and have a picture taken with the girls. “They walked past me as well!” points out Marty. And then a woman comes up and asks to have her photo taken with Marty. He agrees happily, and kisses her hello and goodbye. “Make sure you wash your hands, love, you don’t know where he’s been!” advises Spud.
Marty starts asking him, “Has anyone wanted to meet you yet?” and I fear this could descend into another bout of “How many Twitter followers have you got?” But soon, all is well.
Someone wants their photo taken with Spud! Hooray!
Now we’ve got that all sorted, it’s time to head off to the TNA Hall of Fame, where Sting is the first inductee. Meanwhile, Marty is begging Hannah to sit next to him. She doesn’t look that keen, but she agrees.
Holly complains a bit that she wanted to sit with her sister. I’m not sure what kind of weird-ass table set-up this is that doesn’t allow two people to sit next to an individual, but whatever. This is unimportant, because TNA wrestlers are joining each table, and making his way to their table is Kurt Angle!
Hulk Hogan says that he wanted Angle to sit with the British Boot Camp contestants so they would know what it feels like to sit with and look at a main event guy. Hey, I’ve already met and talked to and hugged Kurt Angle! I now feel officially Better Than Spud.
I am also Better Than Marty, because he has no control over his bowels. He announces that when Angle walked over, “I shat myself.”
Yes, quite the suave ladies’ man.
Meanwhile, in further scatalogical adventures, Angle asks Spud, “What happened to your jacket?” Spud’s response? “I took a shit and strained too hard.”
Angle finds it hilarious that Spud claims the jacket is from his dad’s best suit, and then tells everyone to open their packets of trading cards to see what’s inside. Afterwards, he enthuses about the four, saying that they are respectful and that Spud is funny. In return, of course, the four contestants completely mark out about meeting Angle. As an aside, Marty’s eyebrows are looking very peculiar. It’s like they operate independently of each other, and independently of the rest of his face.
Back to the Hall of Fame dinner. There are fulsome tributes paid to Sting, and there is a lot of hugging going on. The boot camp contestants are hanging around in a corridor, and Dixie Carter shows up. Brilliantly, Spud does a little bow to her as they shake hands, like she’s the queen or something.
She’s followed by Sting and Hulk Hogan, and everyone promptly marks out again, but tries to pretend they’re not. Marty talks about someone called “Ho Kogan”. The Blossoms say that Hogan and Sting are “larger than life”, but I suppose they’d inevitably feel that way after hanging out with the miniature Marty and Spud.
Sting leaves them with the words of wisdom, “Longevity is the secret.” I take his point – he’s had a fantastic career, and he’s advising them to stay safe and prolong their careers by not taking risks – but it gets me thinking about the wrestlers (and other sportspeople) who have had epic careers but who would have had a happier and less painful retirement had they cut their active participation short a bit earlier.
After the legends leave, Dixie tells the contestants that it’s time to knuckle down and take the competition seriously, and adds, “Gentlemen, I’m talking to you.” They look appropriately abashed.
Dixie completes her motivational speech, and the four gird up their metaphorical loins and reiterate their intentions to be the best.
Bless. Their task the next day is to have more photos taken, and Spud is acting like a child again by smacking the girls with a camera tripod while they’re trying to pose.
And then he invades Marty’s shoot.
Brilliantly, after the shoot is over he starts complaining about the amount of time it took the girls to get ready. “It takes 20 minutes to do a photo shoot!” he claims. It’d probably be even quicker if you didn’t ruin half the shots by mooning in them, Spud.
Their next stop for the day is the Grand Canyon Arena, where the PPV is being staged. They’re summoned to Dixie Carter’s dressing room, and this time Marty does a little bow on shaking hands. Dixie tells them she’s arranged front-row tickets for them, and they will be shown during the PPV. “This will really be your first international debut,” she says.
The four are led backstage, then out into the arena, and we move into another reality TV trope – the daydream, accompanied by acoustic-music-of-thoughtfulness.
They muse on what it would be like walking down the ramp as a TNA star about to perform on a show. Spud even has auditory hallucinations: “Even though every seat was empty, I could hear them chanting my name!”
Once the show starts, they start to fret about when exactly they’ll be shown on camera and have their opportunity to make an impression on the viewers. It is evident, when it happens, that the girls aren’t as “over-prepared” as they predicted.
They’re then summoned to Nashville, Tennessee, the home of TNA Wrestling, where Jeremy Borash meets them at the airport and says that Dixie wants to see them. In the limo, Marty is fretting about the meeting and grilling Borash about what they should say to her; Spud, meanwhile, is hanging out of the window like an overexcited puppy.
“Are you happy with your first performance?”
“I think so, yeah!”
“With gum in your mouth?”
See you then!