This week they’re off to Nashville to see Dixie Carter at TNA HQ. Spud’s eyes are like saucers. “Dixie, this place is enormous!”
Oh, honey, everywhere is enormous compared to you, except maybe a model village.
The Blossoms get sent to a beauty parlour, because makeovers are what girls do, and also the powers-that-be clearly want them to have more clearly differentiated haircuts for when they start the Hannah-and-Marty love story later in the episode. No Twin Magic here, thank you.
Let us hope that the girls don’t go to the wrong floor, and that they at least come back with the same faces.
Their stylist does not set a good example or bode well.
The girls reminisce about their day job as teaching assistants, which remains hilarious because all the footage of them at school is done without any children in shot, presumably for child protection reasons. It basically looks like they’ve broken into a school and are trying to cover their footprints by moving a box of tissues that they knocked over on entry.
The boys turn up at the salon. “Bloody hell, you look gorgeous!” screeches Spud. They look like they should be in Dynasty.
Holly does not make a great job of hiding her dismay, just widening her eyes and saying, “Oh! Volume!” They all head off in a limo and Dixie makes a good fist of pretending that she likes their new hair, while Holly repeats, “The volume!” I think she may be in shock.
Dixie tires of this girlie chat and orders the driver to take them to lunch because she’s a busy woman, she’s hungry and she has no time for this shit.
Fortunately for Spud, this also means that it’s time for a drink.
Phew! For a minute there, I almost thought his liver cells were going to get some kind of chance to regenerate.
I’m getting the feeling that Dixie has a certain amount of disdain for Marty, and this is reiterated when she criticises his decidedly lower-class drinking technique. “We sip. We don’t chug,” she explains, with a withering stare.
After the impromptu etiquette lesson, Dixie whips out her iPad – you didn’t think this wouldn’t be a working lunch, did you, suckers?
Nope. She’s going to make them review their brief appearances on camera at Bound for Glory, and tell them exactly what they’re doing wrong.
She starts with Marty, who was chewing gum –
then Holly, who was reacting to Spud –
then Spud, who was sticking his tongue out.
Spud sorrowfully gives a piece to camera informing us that from now, “my tongue is going to stay in my mouth.” Not like Hannah’s or Marty’s, OOPS SPOILER ALERT!
We get a bit more reality show standard filler from everyone reminiscing about the sacrifices they’ve made and what they want from their careers, and then they head off for a night on the town with Cowboy James Storm and his Amazing Head Plaster.
We can only hope he’ll wrestle his next show with a Steve Foster-style head band to keep the plasters in place and the scabs intact. (True fact, by the way – he never played with it to keep his curly locks out of his eyes, in case you were under that misapprehension.)
Storm tells us that his match with Bobby Roode at Bound for Glory exemplifies what you need to make it in TNA.
A willingness to risk anaemia, possibly?
They all drink peculiarly-coloured shots in celebration of Storm’s win, and then go off to ride on a mechanical bull. No, really.
And Spud’s already breaking his promise to Dixie and to the rest of the world.
The Blossoms are hilarious drunks. “We love Nashville!” they inform us. Also, we are their besht friendsh.
They venture out into the wider world, and the boys are intrigued by the concept of “nude karaoke”.
And then they’re back in a bar, drinking peculiarly-coloured shots, and this happens.
Poor drunk Holly tries to pretend it isn’t happening.
Spud passes comment on the kissing technique he witnessed, once more breaking his promise to Dixie. Dude, she’ll have this on her iPad for future reference. She’ll cut you dead.
Poor drunk Holly reassures us and herself that Hannah will not let this affect the competition, while Hannah refuses to comment on the evening’s events. She does realise she’s being filmed for TV, right?
Marty then weirdly tells us what a ladies’ man he is (which is why he had to go on a dating show, as I’m sure Spud would remind us, given the opportunity) and says, “The Blossom Twins, they’re just one of many.” Does he think, in his drunken haze, he snogged them both? Or that twins are fundamentally one person, like Barney theorises on How I Met Your Mother? Or is he just a complete misogynist tosser, in the grandest tradition of faces in American wrestling?
Meanwhile, Spud and Storm are playing a game whereby they gargle alcohol.
It ends badly.
He is promptly thrown out of the bar.
Fortunately the alcohol has no adverse effect this time, because they all have to be up early to meet Al Snow and Friend of TOWIS Doug Williams.
Doug spends the entire day looking faintly amused, while Al ties everyone up in rhetorical knots by being really quite obnoxious, and tells everyone that they are running the ropes wrongly.
Al also seems to have misunderstood the concept of twins: “You’re clones!” and wonders if you hit one, would it bruise the other? Can someone please get these boys a book about human reproduction that explains just how twins are created and how they are ACTUALLY DIFFERENT PEOPLE? Maybe Dixie has some information about that on her iPad.
Spud and Marty argue again! And Doug still looks faintly amused!
Join us then!