Last time we saw our quartet, they had just arrived at OVW, where Doug Williams had his characteristic ‘faintly amused’ expression, and Al Snow taught everyone how to run the ropes properly while being entirely puzzled by the very concept of twins.
Spud talks about Al’s knowledge being a “godsend” (though presumably not about human genetics) because there are not many veterans in Britain; or at least not ones who want to train the next generation, mostly because of their aversion to “American-style wrestling”.
Marty talks about Doug being an ambassador for wrestling and SERIOUSLY SCURLL WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?
Spud says that Doug used to be “the man” in British wrestling but as he’s now a trainer, someone new needs to step up. (Insert joke about Spud needing to carry around something to step up on to in order to see over people’s heads.)
Dixie then informs us that this interlude at OVW is yet another trial the four need to pass before they get the opportunity to go into the Impact Zone. I should point out here that all four were announced for the TNA Tour of the UK prior to this series airing, so I think we can be pretty safe in the assumption that nothing bad will happen to our stars.
All four of them have to compete in OVW matches to see if they’re ready to step up to the Impact roster. Marty and Spud have to tag together. I think we can all see how this is going to end.
In a poorly lit alleyway, Marty says to the man standing next to him, “Hey Spud! I’ve got this new move – the Party’s Over!” Spud treats this news with the disdain it deserves.
Anyway, Marty claims he came up with this brilliant idea today, and he wants to use it as a finisher. Spud agrees. What do we think will happen?
They head to the ring.
The boys are facing OVW’s Constantine and Diamond, and all is going brilliantly until –
“Tag me! Tag me!” pleads the inventor of BRAND-NEW AND INNOVATIVE FINISHER “The Party’s Over”.
Spud does not. Instead, he gives him the finger and makes the pin.
Marty whines about his brand-new idea for his brand-new move. Spud says that he is getting his revenge for Marty embarrassing him in front of Rollerball Rocco. Er, dude, I think you’ll find it was YOU who embarrassed yourself in front of Rollerball Rocco.
They both shout at each other and go and complain to teacher.
Al tells them both to shut up. Doug continues to look faintly amused.
The girls get their turn next.
Holly’s hair is amazing by this point. How does it stay so big at the back even when she’s working?
They’re facing Josette Bynum and Taeler Hendrix, and they look really very good indeed. (Incidentally, in the clips we got of this match, Hendrix looks pretty good too. I think the hair colour really helps with her selling.) The twins get their win –
– and then shortly after this I kick my television in because of Al Snow’s absolutely asinine feedback which made me despair for the future of the world. He is dubious about the girls’ wrestling because their performance was like “guys with boobs”, and they need to be more feminine.
Seriously, Snow. Really? Feminine fake fighting. Whatever.
He clarifies his point that the Knockouts are there as a special attraction, there for the fantasy fodder of teenage boys and men old enough to know better, and if you’re too good at wrestling they might not fancy you. And obviously that carries with it the assumption that the only people interested in watching wrestling are heterosexual males.
Doug then adds that they need to be more aggressive, which seems to confuse them both (understandably so). Basically what they’re saying is be good at wrestling, but perhaps try to wear fewer clothes and dry-hump the middle rope if you can because that’s what the boys like.
Well, that explains a lot, but it’s horrible to hear it on television.
And all this comes after the OVW co-commentators corrected themselves after referring to the Blossoms as “girls”, then “ladies”, then eventually settling on “the women”.
On the plus side we also get more nonsense from Snow babbling about them scaring him because they are alike. BECAUSE THEY’RE TWINS.
The feedback for the boys – Marty gets told to act more like a star, and not rush so much; while Spud gets scolded for being unprofessional towards Marty at the finish.
Now Doug and Al have a decision to make. These are their “decision-making” faces.
Of course, their decision is that all of them will be going off to Orlando and the test of the Impact Zone.
At this point, Dixie starts to do a piece directly to camera, staring right at us, as if she’s a newsreader or something. It’s slightly disconcerting.
The four get to the Impact Zone, which Marty declares “even more better” than it looks on television. Meanwhile –
Marty then moans about “tiny, dingy halls” which is a great way to ensure that you continue to get booked in the UK – an element of income even for top TNA names.
I then laugh for about an hour at the very idea of asking Jeff Hardy for his thoughts. The man has an internal monologue that is audible to us, why would we need to interview him? Samoa Joe pops up to inform us that Marty has a lot of spunk.
Dixie concludes that Marty is the most technically proficient in the ring but is not sure he has the focus to succeed.
Returning to the thoughts of Jeff Hardy, he talks about his brother, because he has a brother like the Blossoms are sisters. But you and Matt aren’t MAGICAL TWINS though. Mickie James, bless her, says she wrestled the Blossoms a year ago and went to Dixie then and told her to sign them: “They’re money. They’re Knockouts.”
Bully Ray does not understand Rockstar Spud’s name –
but he admires his bravery in using it.
The Blossoms are herded off to make-up four hours before the show, and speculate on who they’d like to wrestle, concluding: “Everyone in the women’s division.” They are excited to be able to see all the TNA stars in one place, and look, here’s Austin Aries!
And here’s Rocco, live in the form of a giant looming head via the miracles of Skype.
Rocco tells them all how proud he is of them, and says he is confident they will all succeed. Endearingly, he tells Spud: “You remind me of me, when I wouldn’t take no for an answer.” He wishes them all the best of luck, and they vow they will make him proud.
Dixie lures the four to the locker room to tell them who they’re going to face in the Impact Zone. Spud looks like he’s trying to re-popularise the Vic Reeves thigh-rub.
Dixie tells the Blossoms they’ll be facing Gail Kim and Madison Rayne.
Kim and Rayne do a fabulous heel promo about the honour the Blossoms have to even set foot in the ring with them.
The boys, however, have to face each other.
I think we can all agree the girls win.
“My opponent is – Marty,” says Spud to camera. “For FUCK’S SAKE.”
He’s so pissed off he takes his sunglasses off.
Dixie says that she and Hulk will deliberate immediately after the matches, and so by the end of the evening they will know who’s won.
So – four contestants, two matches, one winner. Check back for the final recap later this week!