So before the ad break, we found out that the Blossoms get to face Gail Kim and Madison Rayne, while Marty and Spud have to face each other. Dixie and Hulk will be watching attentively and deciding who actually gets the fabled TNA roster spot.
In case we weren’t excited enough already, we get Hulk going Hulkamanic in our faces.
So we’re in the Impact Zone, with the necessary pyro, of course –
And we have Magnus on comms! Yay! Fortunately the Aces and Eights didn’t break his voicebox!
We’ll begin with the men’s match, which Magnus says he’s been looking forward to.
Dude, if you’ve been looking forward to it for so long, you could have just got a ticket for RevPro next month and seen it there. He also claims they are “fighting for their lives”, which is a magnificent reality TV trope that would make the entire genre much more interesting if it were literally true.
Then, of course, it’ll be the women’s match, featuring the Blossoms with a promo shot of their pre-VOLUME! hair, and Gail Kim with a wonderful sneer on her face.
I also note that the twins are back in their trousers after wearing hotpants at OVW. Well, ladies, that’s not the way to be more feminine, surely, is it, putting more clothes on? Magnus patronises the hell out of them by calling them “very sweet, very professional young girls”, despite the fact that he is just two years older than them.
Backstage, we have a locker room full of Impact Wrestling superstars –
Or, you know, just Jeff Hardy and Kurt Angle in a very close-up shot. Can someone please check Hardy’s actually got his eyes open?
Here we go, then! Spud makes his way to the ring first.
Bless. Magnus says Spud has “an incredible arsenal”, and I genuinely think he’s going to say “an incredible arse”. Hulk says Spud “looks like a movie star”. Well, he should know.
Marty looks like he’s doing the Monster Mash.
It was a graveyard smash.
Hulk, God bless him, puts Marty over dutifully, admiring his energy and ignoring the terrifying boggle-eyes.
Marty, however, has got the crowd well behind him, encouraging them to clap, as Spud tells him to keep his eyes on his opponent.
Dixie congratulates herself on having the genius on making this match, while Hulk sounds surprised that they can both wrestle, and marvels at this spot –
“No-one dives through the buckles over here, that’s crazy!” he says.
Jeff and Kurt are still watching intently.
Jeff? Jeff? Are you OK? Can you hear me? Open your eyes if you can hear me!
Hulk then buries half of his roster by saying they could learn something from Spud and Marty. Which may be true, but probably not a great thing to say when you’re trying to sell these two as novices looking to hit the big time and your roster as every wrestler’s aspiration.
He has to brilliantly add a semi-proviso after this –
“Even that screw-up looked good, when they accidentally ran into each other!”
Marty eventually gets the win after what looks like a very good match, with impressive work from both.
Dixie and Hulk have a little dance to Marty’s music before he comes backstage to receive his congratulations.
After a bit of talking to camera where the men both talk about how they should be the winners of the competition, the women’s tag match is next.
I miss Madison’s tiara. Meanwhile, Magnus’s thoughts on Gail and Madison? “These aren’t a couple of Manchester slags who have had too many Carlings.” Thanks for that.
The twins head to the ring, and Gail grabs a microphone to announce, “Oh my God. LOOK, Madison, it’s TWINS!” Seriously, have you people not GOT twins over there? On the plus side, it does mean the Blossoms get a round of applause for BEING TWINS.
This is almost as good as when old people get a round of applause for their birthdays, when you’re basically saying, “Well done, you’re not dead yet!”
Madison informs the girls that as they’re English, they should know how to treat royalty, so they’ll ring the bell and then they can kiss her feet, “or whatever it is you’re supposed to do.”
Hannah, instead, opts for this.
The Blossoms do really well in this match – and Hulk makes the fascinating observation, “Most girls wrestle like girls – they are really wrestling like wrestlers.” Excellent consistency there, bearing in mind Al Snow’s facile “BE MORE FEMININE, not like GUYS WITH BOOBS” nonsense.
You never expect the twins to win, though, but at least you know they’re a good tag team, they can wrestle, and Gail and Madison are tights-holding evil and the Blossoms are the forces of righteousness.
Hulk admires the twins for being able to hang with the veterans, and says that sometimes the more experienced team have to carry the novices – “there was none of that.” And the girls revel in their VOLUME! hair, which now looks like something from Barbarella.
Hulk says that all the Brits would be a great addition to the company, and the girls look a bit weepy from all the excitement.
The time has come to make a decision, and what does Dixie’s right-hand man say?
“I don’t know. You’re the boss. Don’t put this on me.”
Well, fortunately the TNA Superstars do have some opinions on who they want to win. Frankie Kaz, what do you think?
He thinks the Blossoms. Taz, however, wants Marty to win; and Kurt rates the “undersized” Spud. Gail Kim sits admirably on the fence, and Al Snow says he wants to see their reaction when they lose. Nice.
Hulk does of course have some opinions, and spews them out stream-of-consciousness style while managing to look back at his own epic career. It’s quite a talent. He does mention again his pre-judgement that the Blossoms would “wrestle like girls” and he had his mind changed about them after seeing them work; but then he also says something about them looking like the Spice Girls, but a new version (with three fewer members, perhaps).
It’s time for the announcement, and the four are shepherded in. Dixie congratulates them “for making it this far”; and Hulk says they all deserve to go forward, but there is only one need for TNA at the moment – a specific person to fit specifically into the roster. Er – wouldn’t that have been quite helpful to know at the start? Then at least two of them could have saved all this effort.
So. Our winner is – Rockstar Spud.
Who promptly bursts into tears, forcing Dixie to hug him –
– as we get a weepy voiceover about how hard he’s worked to progress. Marty says he’s disappointed, but knockbacks are part of this business (earning him extra Hulk Hogan/Triple H THIS BUSINESS points). He and Spud have a little hug as well.
And then Spud has a little cry over the twins as well, who he calls “the most genuine, beautiful, humble girls I’ve ever met in my life.”
Dixie then announces some good news – all of them are going on the TNA Road to Lockdown tour to have a chance “again” to show what they can do and have another chance to earn a place on the roster. In the middle of this speech, Hulk suddenly interjects to Spud, “You’re going to have to dig, brother!” to which Spud responds, “I’ll dig deep.”
Dixie concludes that everyone has won, which is…not really the point of a competition, but at least everybody is happy.
Well, ish. Spud still has some existential angst, but hopes he will be able to look his parents in the eyes now and say that he’s not a failure.
“I’m not doing this as a dream any more. It’s my job.”
“I’m so happy!”
Bless you, Spud. And congratulations!
The four British Boot Camp contestants are currently on the TNA Road to Lockdown tour around the UK.