Last week! All this happened! This week! The same will happen, but in Manchester!
Gail Kim seems entirely unconvinced that Melanie Price could ever possibly be a wrestler, but she does enjoy her ‘It Girl’ character.
EL LIGERO! Al Snow seems to think he is Spanish. BLOODY HELL, SNOW, DO YOUR RESEARCH. Arriba! They can’t speak to him because he doesn’t speak, so he gets to do a few spots. This really is the most stupidly constructed talent search ever.
Heather Schofield has no wrestling experience to speak of, but she’s a bodybuilder. Lady, you should probably have just signed for Vince McMahon 20 years ago.
Matt Fox is up next and he looks like he’s about to cry when he talks about his recently deceased grandfather, and then chokes up some more about it being “his time” and he hasn’t been given a fair shot by anybody. Gail Kim suggests he should work for free, thus creating ever greater schisms on the Britwres circuit. Samoa Joe is incredible, smacking him down and telling him you need to hustle on the indy scene, and then Al adds to that by calling him a self-pitying gimboid, so to speak. Fox then ends up basically talking himself out of the competition with a shouty, whiny promo.
“I’m the Japanese sensation.”
“Are you Japanese?”
Pyro sings; Kris Travis gets called a pussy by Joe; Babyface Pitbull shouts a bit; Cyanide is ragey in character and then seems ever so sweet and smiley when talking as himself. Al challenges him on his conditioning, and asks him to do that squat-thrust/promo challenge from last week. Joe does some “bigger man who’s more agile” solidarity with him, while Al bitches some more.
Hey, it’s Rampage Brown, once called a big bear by Project Ego, and this time personally invited to try out by Samoa Joe. Rampage talks about having his daughter, whom he loves more than anything in the world, and patronises everyone who has never had children by saying that you don’t know true love until you have procreated. Brilliantly he then backtracks and wheels out the most tired reality TV trope of all, claiming he’s pursuing his dream solely to make a better life for her. Whatever.
The Nordic Warrior seems very confused when Al Snow keeps asking him in an innuendo-laden tone whether he ever uses his hammer, urging him to do so lest it fall off. Why did the Nordic Warrior and Cyanide have to break character, by the way, when Ligero didn’t? This show makes no sense.
Lana Austin has three children, and Gail immediately asks how she could possibly leave her children if she became a TNA Knockout. Did they interrogate all the men about their parental status? Lana cuts a promo, ballses it up, and then Al tells her she is letting down her daughter. This is egregious.
Time for Grado to re-emerge and try to convince the judges to give him a second chance. Al swears at him, and Grado asks Gail to have a word on his behalf, because apparently Al is in charge of everything now.
Friend of TOWIS Mark Andrews gets a Dar-esque boyband intro…
And then he has to sing to Gail. She likes him and thinks he is a hard worker. Joe calls him personable and pleasant. True that. That’s why he is a Friend of TOWIS.
Time for the drills and in-ring work. The girls look very weak, and also a bit stupid as Gail and Al shout instructions at them which they clearly can’t fulfil. Gail laughs at the very idea that Melanie Price has only had 30 matches in seven years, telling her that any Knockout would destroy both of them. I don’t think she’s wrong, either, and the Knockouts division includes Velvet bloody Sky. They’re kicked out.
So the judges deliberate over the remaining menfolk, and make their decisions.
Mark, Ligero, Rampage and Trav are through; non-sensational non-Japanese and the Pitbull are not. Rockstar O’Leary has a little chat with the losers, and the Pitbull seems really quite angry about his rejection. Chill out, dude. Come back next year with a new baby or something.
Then he talks to the ones who are going through, and Trav is as objectionable as he normally is, while Ligero says “Ligero”. Ah, Britwres, business as usual.
Next week! Probably Grado again! Probably more laughing in the face of continuity and logic! WRESTLING!