Facts from Monday Night RAW, O2 Arena, April 13th 2015

Well, if I type quickly, I might get this published before the show airs…spoilers, if so…

Eden Stiles managed to confuse herself and us about when the “live” (ie recorded-as-live) show was going to start. There were two Superstars matches before the important stuff – Zack Ryder v Heath Slater, and R-Truth (returning to the scene of his greatest, law-breaking triumph) v Curtis Axel (who got a HUGE cheer).

John Cena was booed HORRIBLY. Not only that, the entire arena was singing the “John Cena sucks!” song along with his theme music. He managed to claw back some dignity by eking out a couple of cheap pops (the UK should have Wrestlemania – seriously, Cena, you toady).

And then Bad News Barrett came out to answer Cena’s open challenge and everyone went wild.

It is perhaps peculiar to our nation that even when our man is facing JOHN CENA, the least losingest wrestler we currently have, we still think there’s a chance he might get that win. (Good match as well.)

The Divas’ Battle Royal was fairly awful and pointless, with half of them eliminated in the first 30 seconds, and three minutes later leaving us with Paige and Naomi, which I think everyone could have predicted in the first place.

Paige won and did a lovely little interview with Byron Saxton that brought tears to my eyes. Then Naomi decked her. Interestingly they actually gave Naomi some motivation later on as she explained that she’d competed alongside AJ in the previous incarnation of NXT, and AJ had been Divas’ champion and retired in the time it’s taken her to do, well, nothing.

Tyson Kidd fell over but recovered it well. Obviously it wasn’t a botch, because they don’t exist, and Austin Aries told me so.

Roman Reigns managed to persuade people to cheer him by calling Big Show “a giant bitch”. (Big Show getting abused roundly is a regular theme of this episode. He was getting “please retire” chants when he appeared.)

Fandango and his new music came out with Rosa. He lost to Stardust, and then realised the mistake he had made – he was not dancing to his previous, better music. Thus it kicked in, he leapt on to the barrier, and danced along it, complete with pointing figures. It’s a weird feeling, liking Fandango.

There were Rosebuds. I couldn’t see who any of them were, though.

Kane was an authority lapdog, but thanks to the haranguing of Daniel Bryan considered not being one for about three seconds, during which he threw Seth Rollins about a bit. What you need, Kane, IS YOUR MASK.

Summer Rae deserves better than valeting for Damien Mizdow. But then, Damien Mizdow deserves better than being Damien Mizdow.

The Prime Time Players appeared in a titantron promo, and Darren Young said, “Rainbow is my favourite colour.” Everyone applauded. Sweet touch.

I can confirm that gravity has not remembered Neville any time recently. He had a great, neck-risking little match with Dolph Ziggler.

There was a man cosplaying as Dolph in the crowd – the man himself spotted him at the end and invited him forward so they could hug.

There was also a bizarre fight in the audience, with a battalion of security guards (real ones, not cruiserweight road agents) weighing in to sort it out.

Main event was Seth Rollins and Randy Orton talking at each other (and J&J Security getting RKOed, obviously), but the dark match featured a six-man tag, Daniel Bryan, Dean Ambrose and Dolph Ziggler v Luke Harper, Sheamus and Big Show.

Big Show was TORMENTED. The “You fat bastard!” chants were epic, and endorsed enthusiastically by Bryan, who was in fits of giggles throughout.

No Finn Balor SAD FACE.

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