Fact: Randy Orton winning the Royal Rumble is annoying – but maybe not for the reasons you think

January 30, 2017

The bookies were right. Randy Orton won the 30th annual Royal Rumble to secure his place at WrestleMania.

Except…Randy Orton was always going to be at WrestleMania. He’s Randy Orton. The Viper. The Legend-Killer. The Evolution of the Legacy. His place on the big stage is assured.

But he’s a safe choice – and when it came down to the final two, with Roman Reigns the other man still standing, an Orton win was the only way to assure cheers rather than boos as the show went off the air.

Something else that would have assured cheers would have been a more exciting, more interesting choice for the winner – somebody who’s not already guaranteed a shot at the year’s biggest show. Read the rest of this entry »

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Fact: the Royal Rumble was a failure, and the road to Wrestlemania has veered off course

January 26, 2015

If your crowd are booing the man you want to be your next big babyface, if they’re practically rioting in the car park after your pay-per-view, if one of the top Twitter trends across the world urges people to withdraw money from your company…you’ve probably got a PR problem.

This isn’t about Roman Reigns, who took the brunt of the crowd’s disgust in Philadelphia after the Royal Rumble. I’m fairly sure that nobody genuinely dislikes him. It’s about the way WWE run roughshod over crowd reaction and attempt to rewrite history, about the way they throw in nostalgia trips (like the Rock) in an attempt to manipulate their audience, and about the way they scorn the very people who pay for their product.

It seems misguided at the least when their business model seems to be to shunt all their content online and expect people to subscribe.

People aren’t going to subscribe to programming they’re not engaged with.

And sure, there’s a long way to go until the showcase event of the year. Anything could happen. But the Royal Rumble tends to be a reliable indicator of the quality of the coming months. And three months of Reigns’ awkward promos, still green main events, and being shoved in our faces with all but a flashing neon sign saying LIKE THIS MAN, HE’S OUR NEW CENA is unlikely to herald a classic Wrestlemania.


Question: what did WWE expect to happen at the Royal Rumble?

January 27, 2014

I hate to quote myself, but I was right, wasn’t I?

Thing is, if I could predict this, why couldn’t the WWE? Read the rest of this entry »


Fact: Kharma is back and she is AMAZING

January 30, 2012

It’s 3.30 here in the UK, and Kharma has returned to the WWE in the Royal Rumble, making her the third woman to compete in the event.

She busted Dolph Ziggler’s implants, and eliminated Hunico, and made Michael Cole cry like a scared child.

I don’t know when she had her baby, but guessing that she was three months’ pregnant at the end of May when she stepped back from competition, I’m estimating that it must have been in November at the very earliest.

This makes her more incredible than she is already. In your face, all you stupid internet marks who don’t think women wrestlers should be allowed to have a job AND children.

Kharma is back. And she is ready to squash some bitches. Including Michael Cole. Hooray!


Fact: Beth Phoenix isn’t really a Diva of Destruction

October 11, 2011

Oh, she was. Once upon a time.

Yeah, she used to be a top amateur wrestler, and once graced Shimmer (where they have proper female wrestlers, in case you’re interested).

Yeah, she used to compete against men as a matter of course.

Yeah, even in WWE they’ve put her up against men, and she was the second woman ever to take part in the Royal Rumble. And yeah, whatever, she eliminated the Great Khali and his glass knees.

But let’s face it, she and Nattie can pretend all they want that they’re going to crush everyone in their path.

At the end of the day, they’re GIRLS.

(Fast-forward through to 06.44)

And girls are small and fragile and vulnerable and need to be protected in case of accidents that might impact on them, particularly from a fauxhawk-wearing man with a superiority complex and a delusionary man who is scared of both heights and spiders.

There is simply no way that a poor defenceless girl such as Beth Phoenix (who’s 30, 5 foot 7 and has a billed weight of 150lb, and who I’d probably describe as a “woman”, but clearly I am wrong) can be expected to function in a workplace where such dangers lurk.

Beth, you’ve let us all down.