Fact: the Miz does not look nice

December 12, 2012

After doubting that Seth Rollins has the right facial composition to make a convincing bad guy, I feel I should also point out that Miz has the opposite problem.

He is difficult to take seriously as a good guy because he looks like what he pretty much seems to be – an over-the-top, annoying, smug loudmouth.

LOOK AT THIS FACE. Read the rest of this entry »

Fact: Vince McMahon is angry with Randy Orton

June 14, 2012

I saw an article today that I really, really hope is true.

It claimed that Vince McMahon is angry with Randy Orton for his “outspoken indifference” to his second suspension for a wellness violation.

Apparently Orton was suspended as soon as possible after the results came through, so that he’d be back in time for SummerSlam, but “something happened” shortly afterwards, and now Vince isn’t all that fussed about him returning any time soon at all.

Not a good year for the varnished-teak marionette puppet, after losing his role in the Marine sequel to the Miz, who has no history of dishonourable military discharges.

But maybe a good year for we the viewers.

Rumour: there will be no WWE contract at JoMo’s palace of wisdom

October 13, 2011

I read it on the internet, so it may not be true – but could John Morrison be on his way out of WWE?

I adore the lusciously-locked, hard-abbed Prince of Parkour, but this wouldn’t be the stupidest move in the world for the WWE. And it would surely come as no surprise to Morrison himself.

Squashed on Monday Night Raw by Christian, Dolphin Ziggler, Jack Swagger and Cody Rhodes (after a match against Christian that lasted maybe two minutes); destroyed by Mark Henry last week; chucked into the fluff match at Wrestlemania; no storyline of any note. John Morrison is officially a jobber.

His last angle was his tentative entry into a feud with R-Truth back in April – you remember, that hideously embarrassing one about smoking, in which for some reason there was also a heel-turn for water. Then that was somewhat sandbagged by Morrison’s time out for a neck injury (which took longer to heal than WWE seemed to have anticipated, though anyone with any sense could have guessed that neck surgery would require a fairly lengthy recuperation time) and Truth’s subsequent development into a fabulous crazy-ass heel.

It’s ironic that Truth is now paired up in the Awesome Truth, because the last time JoMo seemed to be relevant and a part of WWE’s big-time plans was when he was tagging with Miz and presenting the Dirt Sheet. It’s been long documented that Miz and Morrison were both dedicated hard workers, giving ideas for their characters, running the ropes hours before shows were scheduled to start, and begging for their own internet show.

Yet Miz is the one who’s made the step up to main-event player, while Morrison reportedly used some of his time off to do some comedy improv classes – a worthwhile investment, I’m sure, but not really what you’d expect a relatively experienced WWE Superstar to be doing now.

Similarly, Morrison had a few matches with Ziggler pre-Wrestlemania before they were thrown into the stupid tag featuring Snooki, but since then Dolphin (with the help of the magnificent Vickie Guerrero, of course) has continued to be a solid mid-carder and developed his mic work, and even got his jaw broken by Hugh Jackman – a fine endorsement, I’m sure you’ll agree.

The internet smarks have been speculating for ages now about how Morrison’s girlfriend Melina affects his career, but apart from the fact that to do so is horribly sexist and just an old variation on the idea that women are just honeytraps hellbent on preventing their men from achieving their full potential, if JoMo was at the top of his game then there’d be no rumours about him not getting his contract renewed.

It’s a rumour I can see having more than a grain of truth in it. I fear that Morrison’s palace of wisdom will be relocated somewhere far away from the WWE Universe very shortly.

Fact: Beth Phoenix isn’t really a Diva of Destruction

October 11, 2011

Oh, she was. Once upon a time.

Yeah, she used to be a top amateur wrestler, and once graced Shimmer (where they have proper female wrestlers, in case you’re interested).

Yeah, she used to compete against men as a matter of course.

Yeah, even in WWE they’ve put her up against men, and she was the second woman ever to take part in the Royal Rumble. And yeah, whatever, she eliminated the Great Khali and his glass knees.

But let’s face it, she and Nattie can pretend all they want that they’re going to crush everyone in their path.

At the end of the day, they’re GIRLS.

(Fast-forward through to 06.44)

And girls are small and fragile and vulnerable and need to be protected in case of accidents that might impact on them, particularly from a fauxhawk-wearing man with a superiority complex and a delusionary man who is scared of both heights and spiders.

There is simply no way that a poor defenceless girl such as Beth Phoenix (who’s 30, 5 foot 7 and has a billed weight of 150lb, and who I’d probably describe as a “woman”, but clearly I am wrong) can be expected to function in a workplace where such dangers lurk.

Beth, you’ve let us all down.

Fact: Triple H is the worst boss ever

October 10, 2011

Triple H can stand alone in the ring looking sad and beseeching the audience to cheer him as much as he likes.

We all know that he is the worst boss in the history of industrial relations.

There’s the obvious point that his staff have all walked out (barring the occasional scab like Matt Striker; and of course CM Punk is still arguing that he’s going to effect change despite all current evidence to the contrary), which doesn’t indicate fantastic management skills.

The signs were there before, though. What kind of boss declares to one of his staff that he has a personal grudge against him and then declares he’s going to fight him? The worst boss ever, that’s who.

The Miz and R-Truth have hinted at it, albeit not on screen, but Triple H is a huge hypocrite – firing them for misdemeanours he’s committed himself (and all the while he’s bragging that he loves it when REAL MEN turn up and FIGHT and CAUSE CHAOS – although only on his terms).

He’s gullible to a frightening degree – literally nobody else in the world believed that Kevin Nash had been involved in a car accident, not even the tiniest baby mark, but Triple H went racing off to the bedside of his buddy. And this man is supposed to be a hard-nosed businessman heading up a multinational company?

And if all those factors weren’t enough, he can’t find a suit that fits. Triple H – you fail. No confidence.