Facts from Monday Night RAW, O2 Arena, April 13th 2015

Well, if I type quickly, I might get this published before the show airs…spoilers, if so…

Facts from Monday Night RAW, Live in London, O2 Arena, May 19th 2014

I’m writing this shortly before the programme goes to air, so spoilers within, of course…

Fact: Monday Night RAW can be amazing just for half an hour

You might have seen on Twitter today that some of the folk in the British wrestling community have been posting only nice tweets – none of the negativity and bitching that we normally get on there.

And in that spirit, I’ve revised the blog I was going to write today.

Facts from WWE Monday Night RAW, Manchester Arena, Monday 11th November 2013

You may well have seen the show by now, but just in case – spoilers within! Here are my notes from being live at ringside at Monday Night RAW…

Some facts on how to make three hours of WWE RAW worth watching

So as from this summer, Monday Night RAW will run for three hours rather than its usual two and a bit. (I’m sure anyone who saw this week’s instalment will be DELIGHTED at this news.)

For WWE’s delectation, I’ve made a list of ways to ensure that a three-hour RAW is worth watching.

1. Give one hour of every show over to CM Punk and Daniel Bryan facing each other in an iron-man match.

Rumour: there will be no WWE contract at JoMo’s palace of wisdom

I read it on the internet, so it may not be true – but could John Morrison be on his way out of WWE?

I adore the lusciously-locked, hard-abbed Prince of Parkour, but this wouldn’t be the stupidest move in the world for the WWE. And it would surely come as no surprise to Morrison himself.

Squashed on Monday Night Raw by Christian, Dolphin Ziggler, Jack Swagger and Cody Rhodes (after a match against Christian that lasted maybe two minutes); destroyed by Mark Henry last week; chucked into the fluff match at Wrestlemania; no storyline of any note. John Morrison is officially a jobber.

His last angle was his tentative entry into a feud with R-Truth back in April – you remember, that hideously embarrassing one about smoking, in which for some reason there was also a heel-turn for water. Then that was somewhat sandbagged by Morrison’s time out for a neck injury (which took longer to heal than WWE seemed to have anticipated, though anyone with any sense could have guessed that neck surgery would require a fairly lengthy recuperation time) and Truth’s subsequent development into a fabulous crazy-ass heel.

It’s ironic that Truth is now paired up in the Awesome Truth, because the last time JoMo seemed to be relevant and a part of WWE’s big-time plans was when he was tagging with Miz and presenting the Dirt Sheet. It’s been long documented that Miz and Morrison were both dedicated hard workers, giving ideas for their characters, running the ropes hours before shows were scheduled to start, and begging for their own internet show.

Yet Miz is the one who’s made the step up to main-event player, while Morrison reportedly used some of his time off to do some comedy improv classes – a worthwhile investment, I’m sure, but not really what you’d expect a relatively experienced WWE Superstar to be doing now.

Similarly, Morrison had a few matches with Ziggler pre-Wrestlemania before they were thrown into the stupid tag featuring Snooki, but since then Dolphin (with the help of the magnificent Vickie Guerrero, of course) has continued to be a solid mid-carder and developed his mic work, and even got his jaw broken by Hugh Jackman – a fine endorsement, I’m sure you’ll agree.

The internet smarks have been speculating for ages now about how Morrison’s girlfriend Melina affects his career, but apart from the fact that to do so is horribly sexist and just an old variation on the idea that women are just honeytraps hellbent on preventing their men from achieving their full potential, if JoMo was at the top of his game then there’d be no rumours about him not getting his contract renewed.

It’s a rumour I can see having more than a grain of truth in it. I fear that Morrison’s palace of wisdom will be relocated somewhere far away from the WWE Universe very shortly.

Fact: Seriously. Triple H is the worst boss ever.

That thing about slagging off the entire WWE roster? Hunter, dude, they’re your STAFF. Whatever your industrial dispute with them, you can’t go on record as saying they are terrible wrestlers who can’t put on entertaining matches. Apart from anything else, if that were true, why would you want them to come back to work?

Also, “we shut up! And we fight!” is the worst solution to your problems. Oh, Triple H. Fail.

Also also, your blazer fits Punk better than it does you.

Fact: Beth Phoenix isn’t really a Diva of Destruction

Oh, she was. Once upon a time.

Yeah, she used to be a top amateur wrestler, and once graced Shimmer (where they have proper female wrestlers, in case you’re interested).

Yeah, she used to compete against men as a matter of course.

Yeah, even in WWE they’ve put her up against men, and she was the second woman ever to take part in the Royal Rumble. And yeah, whatever, she eliminated the Great Khali and his glass knees.

But let’s face it, she and Nattie can pretend all they want that they’re going to crush everyone in their path.

At the end of the day, they’re GIRLS.

(Fast-forward through to 06.44)

And girls are small and fragile and vulnerable and need to be protected in case of accidents that might impact on them, particularly from a fauxhawk-wearing man with a superiority complex and a delusionary man who is scared of both heights and spiders.

There is simply no way that a poor defenceless girl such as Beth Phoenix (who’s 30, 5 foot 7 and has a billed weight of 150lb, and who I’d probably describe as a “woman”, but clearly I am wrong) can be expected to function in a workplace where such dangers lurk.

Beth, you’ve let us all down.