Facts from Friday Night Smackdown, Manchester Arena, Tuesday 12th November 2013

As always, a brief round-up of my reaction to the episode of Smackdown that’ll air this Friday, and which we saw filmed last night. Spoilers abound. (We also saw Main Event matches but I don’t care about that because if it’s not on Sky Sports, it doesn’t really exist.)

Facts from Friday Night Smackdown taping, not live from London, April 23rd 2013

Tonight I headed back down the Jubilee line to the O2 Arena, courtesy of the WWE’s very nice PR firm, and took my complimentary seat to witness what looks like it’ll be a pretty good Smackdown. (They also taped Saturday Morning Slam and Main Event, but we in the UK will never get to see them, so it doesn’t really count.) Again, spoilers…

Question: What the hell has Natalya done, and who has she annoyed?

Seriously. Spoiler alert and all that if you’re not in the UK, but tonight on Smackdown Natalya jobs in two seconds to Aksana.

AKSANA.

On her Smackdown debut.

In her ridiculous lace gear and with her ridiculous pornographic sax ring music.

This followed a segment in which she apparently broke wind, much to the disgust of Teddy Long, his courtesan, and Santino Marella.

When was the last time Nattie won? What happened to the Divas of Destruction? Why is she being wasted in this way while lesser Diva talents (ALICIA FOX I’M LOOKING AT YOU) are being put over with reckless abandon? Who has she annoyed and how?

Please tell me, because I’m damned if I know.

Question: is the WWE product ‘stale’?

After the shenanigans in the comments about Smackdown’s title picture, I thought I’d take a closer look at the various WWE products at the moment and assess their varying degrees of entertainment or staleness. Of course, if you don’t agree, feel free to battle it out in the comments again…

Question: Who do you want to see in the WWE World Heavyweight title picture?

Did you see the nonsensically Christmas-themed Smackdown last night?

Did you enjoy that main event between Daniel Bryan and Mark Henry, in the world’s shoddiest steel cage? (Honestly, I’m fairly sure Bryan could have got out through the gaps around the turnbuckles.)

Yes?

Well, tough! Because our next title match will be in three weeks’ time! At our next pay-per-view, TLC! And it’ll be between Henry and the Big Show. Again. As it was at Survivor Series; and at Vengeance.

Which leads me to ask:

Facts from WWE Smackdown house show, LG Arena, November 7, 2011

Some notes from last night’s event:

1) The LG Arena stewards are over-officious and illogical. We had arrived with four signs, namely:

REGAL OR RIOT!
I HEART THE BARRETT UPRISING
NO SHAVE UNTIL MANIA
THE BEARD TO BE FEARED (SOONER OR LATER, EVERYBODY TAPS!)

All fine works of aesthetic and literary art inscribed on A2 paper with black and red jumbo marker pens, I’m sure you’ll agree.

On arrival at the arena, we had them confiscated. If they had objected to the word “riot” or the innuendo of my Barrett poster, I’d have been irritated, but I would have at least seen the reasoning. But no. They were just too big.

Fact 1: Daniel Bryan is still adorable. Fact 2: William Regal really isn’t an old villain

Pity me, reader. Soft-hearted wretch that I am, I shed a quiet tear on Monday night as William Regal and his (adorable) protege Bryan Danielson aka Daniel Bryan shared another tender moment.

The pair opened the card at the Smackdown house show in Birmingham. Bryan galloped out first, Money in the Bank briefcase in hand; Regal’s music hit and I fervently waved my REGAL OR RIOT! sign in the air.

And what a fantastic match it was. Regal had his compatriots firmly behind him, giving Bryan the chance to play heel, which he clearly loved, mocking Regal’s gracious wave and inciting further booing. And wily old Regal got to play the face, and a face in peril at that for much of the match, but brilliantly dodging some of Bryan’s trademark moves with a knowing grin and a headshake – “I taught you everything you know, but I didn’t teach you everything I know.”

After an exchange of submission moves, Bryan tapped out to his old mentor. Yet rather than milk the applause and ovation, Regal took the mic and paid handsome tribute to a young man he is clearly very fond of, telling him that he is proud of him; and then he hailed his old tag partner (and trainer of Wade Barrett and Sheamus) Robbie Brookside, there at the arena.

Then, after declaring Bryan “the future of the WWE”, Regal left the ring, leaving his tutee there to lift his briefcase and acknowledge the crowd. It was a gallant move.

Regal promised that this is not his retirement tour. We all hope to see him again in the ring, in the UK, very soon. Perhaps challenging Bryan for the World Heavyweight Title after Wrestlemania 28.

Question: Big Show, Mark Henry, Zack Sabre Jr, Marty Scurll – who would you rather watch?

I’m in Birmingham ready for Monday night’s WWE Smackdown arena show, and by coincidence I’ll also be going to New Scene Wrestling’s show at the Digbeth Irish Centre tomorrow evening.

So, looking at the cards, which main event would you rather see? Bear in mind that it’s £12 for guaranteed front-row seats at the Irish Centre, and £50-odd for bog-standard positions at the LG Arena.

Vote now! And if you’re heading off to any of the WWE shows, let me know what matches you saw and what you thought of it altogether.

Question: What will the WWE do without Heath Slater?

You’ve probably heard by now that Heath Slater has been suspended by the WWE for his first violation of the company’s wellness policy.

Then who will take his place as random Smackdown jobber, and occasional Superstars luminary?

I have the perfect solution – after all, it worked so well with Sin Cara.

Fact: time works differently in the WWE Universe

Anyone else slightly troubled by Smackdown’s bizarre time-travelling escapades last week? As Big Show returned, he told us that he’d been out of action for four months; Mark Henry reiterated that Show had joined the Hall of Pain four months ago.

At this point I began counting up on my fingers to verify the truth of these statements. But then WWE did the work for me by reminding me that it all happened at Money in the Bank, which was on Sunday July 17.

Dudes, that’s not even three months ago. What possible purpose can it serve to lie about that – and in such a half-assed way? Do let me know your thoughts in the comments.